Because I’m Human

So this post came out when I was scrolling my timeline on FB and it made me stunned for a while.

hukuman ujian

That highlightened sentence made me contemplate myself recently. How much rage I felt, how much disappointment I had, how many time I was being upset for little things that if I just being patient at the moment, I won’t be that mad.

If I was able to control my emotions, I can just let those things go.

If I had just enough bunch of patience, I can be chill and cool and not being disturbed for some insignificant things happened.

One thing I had forgotten, that the ability to control emotions and patience themselves, was also signs of Allah’s mercy.

Because I also had times when bad things happened but I could still be calm and still to cope with.

I’m not mad for little things, even bigger things to handle.

When I had my miscarriage. When I was dropped out from my campus. I didn’t cry that much (well, I cried for losing my baby, I’m still a mother who lost her child, though). I didn’t wreak in sadness. I hid myself from crowded and I strongly believe that everything happened, happened for a reason. I believed Allah strongly and I had faith to myself, and I could have my days in a firm step. And so it came true and now I am where I am.

But I also count times when I made WA statuses for shedding my rage and anger over things that now I regret I did. At times, I said to myself that it was okay. It’s okay not to be okay (such a korean series that happening now). It’s okay to have bad times and feels bad because I’m human, too. Human can be angry, human are allowed to feel bad and it’s normal things. Bad things happened all the time to make us value happy things more.

Meanwhile, it’s okay to release my emotions as long as I don’t hurt anybody. But the question is, didn’t I?

Did I not hurt anybody who read my words of anger?

Did I not add bad feelings to them?

Did I not become the toxic people I hate so much myself?

Though I also thought about it, at that moment, I ignored them and became selfish and did it anyway.

After reading the post, now I realize that it must be my own mistake that I missed many possibility to do good things, to be patient, to be cool and chill facing problems. It must be my sins that covering Allah’s mercy to enter my heart.

Doesn’t it break your heart more, as a creature, that your Creator’s mercy can’t reach you, blocked by your own sins?

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